The Complete Novice Spoof
by Laura Scofield
Summary: Parody of The Novice, including all main characters. Better than the real book, or your money back. FINAL CHAPTER POSTED!
1. Chapter 1

**The ****Complete ****Novice Spoof **

Just when you thought you were relatively safe from dodgy BMT parodies, I hit you with _another_ one of The Novice.

**Author's Excuses for Writing More Parody:**

I gained a lot of confidence from writing The Novice Parody (focussing on the Dannyl/Tayend story) but I always had ideas for spoofing other parts of the book. Recently I re-read The Novice, and found I was making fun of practically every scene. That's the danger of writing parody; it's addictive, and is liable to ensure you never take the real version seriously _ever_ again.

Anyway, I decided to write this spoof in the style of a script- to keep up the pace of the story, and allow me to try out a slightly different type of humour.

As always, I really appreciate all types of feedback! And I'm extremely thankful for all the lovely encouragement I've already received from readers XD

**Warning:** Occasional bad language and adult themes. If you're allergic to either of those, please turn back now.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Acceptance and Unacceptance <strong>

_Intro: The occupants of the Great Hall all waited impatiently for the Acceptance Ceremony to be over, because as book extras they did not get paid a l__ot for their work. However, our heroine Sonea and her main character friends _do_ get paid a lot, which is why they tend to chuckle so much in this story. _

Sonea: *chuckles happily* I can't believe I've been accepted at Hogwarts!

Rothen: Ah… This isn't Hogwarts, Sonea.

Sonea: But I want to be in Gryffindor!

Rothen: You can be whatever you like dear.

Lorlen: Let's get this miserable ceremony over with. I have paperwork to do.

Sonea: *Puts on sorting hat*

Sorting Hat: Cannot decide! System overload! *explodes*

Sonea: Oh wow, that explosion was just like the time you magicians killed that random slum boy in "The Magician's Guild"!

Lorlen: … I hope you're gonna pay for a new hat.

Rothen: Why do I always pick the bad ones?

Dannyl: *chuckles* Looks like our Sonea's off to a bad start already!

Rothen: Shut up Dannyl.

Dannyl's Novice Fangirls: Oi! You leave Dannyl alone. Pick on someone your own height!

Dannyl: Now girls, I can't bring you all to Elyne with me… But I'll send you a postcard.

Dannyl's Novice Fangirls: Good luck with your new love interest!

Dannyl: What? *confused*

_The fangirls disappear, and Dannyl realises he had probably imagined the whole thing. Being a loner has resulted in him talking to himself a lot._

Rothen: I do hearby accept Sonea as my novice. In sickness and in health. In good times and in bad. Til death do us part.

Sonea: That last line is rather depressing.

Dannyl: Hurry up already, I have a surprise party waiting for Sonea in my rooms!

Sonea: Is that why I saw an Elyne acrobat sneaking into your rooms last night?

Dannyl: Yes… I mean wait a second, that never happened!

Everybody: *sighs exasperatedly*

_The High Lord Akkarin reclines in his special comfortable throne at the back of the room, and is fed grapes by his servant Taken, who is dressed in novice robes for his master's pleasure._

Akkarin: *sigh* I love the drama of these Acceptance Ceremonies.

_Random Vindo boy is told he's not good looking enough to join the Guild, and flees the room sobbing and cursing his parent's bad genes._

Akkarin: The only thing I like better than killing people is watching innocent, scared young novices… *licks his lips*

Takan: *shudders at this forshadowing*

* * *

><p><em>This is probably one of the weaker chapters, but I hope it doesn't put you off reading on! Do let me know what you think :D <em>

_Oh, and I'm still working on The Novice Parody, I haven't abandoned it or anything ;D  
><em>


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Goodbyes and Hellos**

**Warning: **Perverted teachers and a reference to a female dog.

_Rothen waves goodbye to Dannyl before he heads off to Elyne by ship._

Dannyl: Bye-bye Rothen, don't age too much while I'm away!

Rothen: *grumbles and hits Dannyl with his walking stick*

Dannyl: Ow! It's not my fault you don't get a proper storyline in this book!

Rothen: If you get any young girls pregnant in Elyne, I'll kill you.

Dannyl: We've already been through this. I never got sex education as a novice, so you have nothing to worry about.

Rothen: Have you been healing away your sexual impulses like a good boy?

Dannyl: *blushes* Shhhh, people might hear….

Sailor #1: Haha!

Dannyl: *sigh* Damn it, now I have to put up with this for the next 2 weeks.

Rothen: *grins triumphantly* Have fun!

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, Sonea has her first day at Hogwarts- I mean the Guild. <em>

Sonea: Oh no, my self-cut hair looks really unfashionable compared to everyone else's!

Rothen: Don't worry, just be yourself and everything will be fine.

Sonea: That's the stupidest thing you've ever said. Every time I act myself, bad things happen!

Regin: *mocking expression* Cool granddad, Slum Girl!

_Class starts. _

Lord Elben: Hello class, my name is Lord Elben. Please do not call me Lord Elbow. Today I and several other teachers shall be probing into your young, fresh minds, in the hopes that we will learn all your embarrassing secrets and can confirm if you are all virgins. Don't struggle or try to escape, it will only make us probe you more vigorously!

Regin: OH MY GOD THEY'RE GONNA RAPE US I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO HOGWARTS

Sonea: *sneer* Don't be such a pussy.

_After the probing is finished…_

Elyne Girl: Wotcher, Sonea!

Sonea: Er… is that an Elyne thing?

Elyne Girl: You know, I really dig the whole "looking like a guy" thing you've got going on.

Sonea: ... Are you coming on to me?

Elyne Girl: Yeah! I wanna push the Guild's boundaries, and I figure this is a good way to do it.

Sonea: Be careful or you'll end up like Lord Dannyl.

Elyne Girl: What, freakishly tall and liable to start talking to myself?

Regin: *leers* Helloooo, _ladies_.

Sonea: Enjoyed your probing, Regin?

Regin: I'm gonna make your life hell this year.

Sonea: Bring it on, bitch.

* * *

><p>I hope nobody is offended by occasional bad language! I'll only be using it when neccessary. Please let me know what you think of this chapter :D<p>

And several readers asked this, so I'll answer here. I do intend to keep updating this spoof, even though updates might be slower from now on thanks to my uni work *gulp* I also plan to finish the Novice Parody, even though I'm hitting problems... Anyway I shouldn't talk about that here LOL


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

****Shakespeare, Sex, and Ships ****

_Lorlen sighs as he finishes reading the Guild bills._

Lorlen: This wine Akkarin insists we supply him with is very expensive. I wonder would he notice if we watered it down? And why am I talking to myself? I better start taking my pills again before I go crazy.

_Lorlen takes his pills out of his drawer, but notices an old picture of himself and Akkarin taken when they were novices._

Lorlen (monologue): Ah, Akkarin! Curse this cruel faith that doth push us further apart as the years pass on. I doth fervently wish the slum girl hath not shown me her most foul memory of you; half naked for shame, and ridding your clothes of an innocent's blood. But thou knowst the old saying, "Blood will have blood"! And so thou shalth be struck down in thine prime, in penance for the foul deeds thou hast committed!

Osen: *outside the office door* Are you ok in there, sir?

Lorlen: *jumps* Something wicked this way cometh!

Osen: You really need a holiday, sir. Come on, I'll tuck you into bed and make you some hot cocoa.

Lorlen: It's ok, I just took my pills so I'll stop talking like that… for now.

Osen: You're so overdramatic. Are you sure you're not gay?

Lorlen: You just gave me the best idea ever! I'll pay Dannyl to privately investigate Akkarin's past, and see what scandals he can dig up!

Osen: I'm sure Dannyl's got enough to be doing in Elyne. And once he finds out his new assistant is a lad, they'll be building a cosy love nest in the Great Library before you know it.

Lorlen: Dannyl will do what I tell him to; I've taken the liberty of stealing his diary, so every sordid little detail of his perverted mind can be revealed to the Guild if he does not help me.

Osen: … Could I perhaps have a read of that diary, sir? For professional interest?

Lorlen: Of course, I've already highlighted the best parts.

* * *

><p><em>Sonea is in the Food Hall with the other novices eating dinner.<em>

Elyne Girl: I lost my virginity when I was only 12!

Elyne Boy: I lost mine when I was 8!

Sonea: Stop talking about sex we're trying to eat god damn it.

Regin: *sneers* When did _you_ first have sex, Sonea?

Sonea: I'm waiting for the right man.

Everyone: *sneers*

Elyne Girl: Frigid!

Sonea: Elyne whore.

Regin: Slum girl!

Sonea: Kyralian rent boy.

Regin: You wait til I tell my father about this!

Sonea: Your father's a rent boy too.

Regin: *storms out, kicking some house elves along the way*

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, on the ship to Elyne…<em>

Drunken sailors: Off, off, off!

Dannyl: I knew Vindo sailors were depraved, but I had no idea how low you men could sink for entertainment.

Sailors: *throw money at Dannyl to make him strip*

Dannyl: I am a respectable Guild magician; I shan't be coerced into indecent behaviour by the likes of you.

Jano: You try siyo. It very good!

Dannyl: Oh, all right then. *takes a sip* Hey, this is quite nice! *drinks some more*

Jano: *cackles at his plan to get Dannyl drunk and naked*

* * *

><p>I<em> don't have a lot of free time to be working on my fics anymore, so sorry if if my parody standard (if I ever had one!) has dropped. Hopefully I'll get back on track soon. All feedback welcome as alway<em>s :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: The Evilness of Gossip**

**Note to Haters of the Akkarin/Lorlen Pairing:** This is just a parody, ok? ;D Please don't kill me!

**Note to Dan/Tay Haters:** Dannyl and Tayend are mysteriously absent from this chapter. Rejoice while you can!

* * *

><p><em>Rothen hides behind a potted plant in the Night Room, eager to hear what the Guild teachers are saying about Sonea. <em>

Lord Elben: Probing that Sonea's mind was very pleasant, let me tell you!

Lady Kinla: She certainly is a frisky little thing. But that Regin was the most fun; I love it when they start screaming and begging you to stop!

Lord Elben: Do you think it's necessary to start teaching the novices about the facts of life?

Lady Kinla: Nah, they'll figure it out by themselves. Except that Sonea, I'll warrant that filly will get herself into all sorts of uneducated mischief. And Rothen's too much of a prude to teach her anything.

_Lady Kinla & Lord Elben cackle evilly. _

Rothen: I never knew magicians could be so horrible! Curse that Dannyl for teaching me how to eavesdrop on others. I'm going to give him such a beating when he gets back from Elyne...

* * *

><p><em>Lorlen sneaks into Akkarin's Residence, hoping to swipe a couple of bottles of Anuren Dark.<em>

Lorlen: I look rather fetching in this catsuit, if I do say so myself.

Akkarin: *booming voice* Who's in my house?

Lorlen: Eeek! *hides behind sofa, trying to ignore Akkarin's shelf filled with compromising pictures of novices*

Akkarin: No need to hide from me, Lorlen; It's not like I'm a blood-thirsty murderer!

Lorlen: *gulp*

Akkarin: How's our little family these days?

Lorlen: Well, Akklen and Lokrin are doing fine. Our surrogate mother tells me they might even have magical potential!

Akkarin: Ah, they grow up so fast. I really should pay her more for raising them, I don't think she realised we would change our minds after a week of caring for them!

Lorlen: She's a woman, raising children is what she does best.

Akkarin: I see you appointed Dannyl as Ambassador to Elyne, without consulting me first!

Lorlen: I'm a grown man now; I can make my own decisions. And I'm sure Dannyl's going to prove very useful in gathering the latest sex scandals from the Elyne court.

Akkarin: I miss having him around; I loved how he jumped every time he saw me, and burst into tears when I gave him my crooked smile.

Lorlen: You know, I read the label of a bottle of Anuren Dark… I never realised crooked smiling was a side effect of drinking too much of it.

Akkarin: You know, I'm starting to remember why I broke up with you.

Lorlen: I hear Lord Fergun's been stirring up trouble at the Fort. Apparently he's used up their year's supply of hair gel in a week!

Akkarin: *shakes head* You know, I haven't gotten any new marriage proposals for a whole fortnight; I wonder why not?

Lorlen: Because girls can tell you have a deep, dark secret?

Akkarin: *shocked* People can tell that?

Lorlen: It's that black eyeliner you're wearing, it makes you look evil.

Akkarin: *strokes non-existent beard* _Excellent_.

Lorlen: The blood stains on your hands are a bit of a give-away too. Ever heard of a bath, High Lord?

Akkarin: Shut up and get out of my house, before I tell everyone you're gay.

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><p><em>I hope this parody hasn't gotten too random :P At the moment I'm mostly worried about Akkarin fans being angry at me for making fun of him. But there's much worse to come *gulp* Let me know what you think anyway!<em>


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: **

**Love is in the Air**

_Sonea scribbles in her pink notebook before class starts, and doesn't notice an ominous shadow behind her._

Regin: *in his typical sneering voice* Oooh, what are you writing, Sonea?

Sonea: Nothing!

Regin: *grabs notebook and looks at it* Are you writing _fanfiction_?

Sonea: Gimme it back now, or I'll make sure you can't walk for a week!

Regin: Awww, you've paired yourself off with Dannyl. Don't you know he's GAY?

Sonea: *cries* My life is over!

Cery: *from outside the window* You still have me, Sonea darling! I'm as straight as a ruler!

Sonea: I'm sorry, but that time I let you grope me was a mistake, Cery. We're finished.

Cery: *wails* This is because I'm short, isn't it?

Sonea: No, it's because every time I say your name I think of a rat.

Regin: Haha, Rat Boy's been dumped!

_Lord Elben strides threateningly into the classroom, in a decent imitation of his idol Professor Snape._

Lord Elben: *drawling voice that drips with venom* Today class, I have many new delights which I want you to sample.

Regin: Oh god please don't rape me!

Lord Elben: *sneers* Nobody in their right mind would want to touch _you_, Regin.

Regin: *takes this as a compliment, and slouches back in his seat*

Lord Elben: *pulls out a box full of sparkly clothes* Take off your robes, everyone, and choose one of these lovely outfits to put on. Except you, Regin. You can just sit in the corner with your face to the wall, and read a book or something.

Regin: *pulls out Twilight and reads*

Sonea: Aren't we going to learn any magic today? If I wanted to dress up in provocative clothing I'd have become a high class prostitute.

Elyne Girl: Shut up, Slummy! You're just annoyed cos you look awful in tight clothes.

Elyne Boy: Even _I've_ got more curves than you, Sonea!

Sonea: That's cos you're fat.

_Elyne Boy starts to cry, and runs to the nearest bathroom to throw up his breakfast. _

Elyne Girl: You're really heartless, you know that Slum Girl?

* * *

><p><em>Dannyl disembarks from the Vindo ship as it docks in Capia.<em>

Dannyl: I hope those embarrassing videos you took of me stripping don't appear on YouTube. That's the sort of thing that'd get me fired.

Jano: Jano no speak English.

Dannyl: And thanks for the calendar you made me, I've never seen so many naked sailors before.

_Dannyl waits at the docks for somebody to take pity on him and show him to the Guildhouse. A handsome young man cartwheels over to him, wearing fashionably tight clothes and a fanatic grin on his face. _

Tayend: OMG Ambassador Dannyl, I'm so honoured! And you're so _tall_! *bows low so he can get a better look at Dannyl's crotch*

Dannyl: What is your role at court, young Tremmelin? Apart from staring at men's crotches?

Tayend: Oh, I'm a scholar at the Great Library!

Dannyl: Is that a fancy way of saying you do nothing?

Tayend: Sorry, I didn't hear you; I was busy being awed by your height. And other endowments.

Dannyl: Everyone's telling me I get a love interest in this book. Any idea who it could be?

Tayend: …

Dannyl: Why are you winking and pointing to yourself?

* * *

><p><em>I had this written for a while so thought I'd just post it :) Reviews as always are better than muffins XD <em>

_And Merry Christmas to all my crazy readers!  
><em>


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

** The Drama Queen**

**Author's Note: **_The unnecessarily long gap since the last chapter may make readers wonder what on earth has happened to the author in the meantime. Suffice it to say that writing a thesis, starting full-time work, and kidnapping Trudi Canavan to coerce her into writing a decent ending for _The Traitor Queen_ didn't leave the author with much time for fanfiction._

* * *

><p><em>Sonea returns to Rothen's rooms, and begins a tirade of complaints.<em>

Sonea: I hate Regin! And I hate this stupid, over-conservative, under-financed, excuse for a magic school! And I hate _YOU_!

Rothen: *drops his sumi in horror* How can you say that? I pledged myself as your Guardian for life!

Sonea: Your stupid POV means I get less time in this story! Why don't you just die already?!

Rothen: *tearful* Oh cruel, cruel novice.

_Sonea slams a door angrily to prove her point. Then proceeds to trash Rothen's apartment._

Dannyl: Hello? Rothen?

Sonea: What in the name of slash fanfiction…? I thought you were in Elyne!

Dannyl: I'm communicating with Rothen through mind connection. Stop listening to us!

Sonea: Don't let _me_ stop you two lovebirds.

Rothen: How are you Dannyl? What does it feel like to be doing real work for a change?

Dannyl: All I do here is attend parties, refuse sexual advances from half the court, and Tayend's taken me to some really dubious secret societies. Elyne is great!

Rothen: I don't like the sounds of this Tayend fellow. I want you to stop seeing him immediately.

Dannyl: But Rothen, we're already _best _friends. _And_ he's invited me to a sleepover next week!

Rothen: I hope you're still healing away your unnatural impulses like I taught you to, Dannyl.

Dannyl: *mortified* I'm taking care of it.

Sonea: Unnatural impulses? So you _are_ gay! Why didn't you tell me that _before_ I started planning our future life together?

Dannyl: I gotta go now - I'm going to court with Tayend later and he wants me to watch him try on different outfits.

Rothen: Make sure you sit on your hands, Dannyl, to stop you acting on any sudden urges!

Dannyl: It's ok, Tayend says he'll handcuff me to the bed.

Sonea: _Kinky_.

* * *

><p><em>Dannyl is having fun at the decadent court of Capia, which is residence to Queen Gaga and her multitude of consorts.<em>

Female Courtier #1: You're going to be flocked by women everywhere you go, Ambassador. There aren't many tall men in Elyne, if you know what I mean!

Dannyl: Actually I don't know what you mean.

Female Courtier #2: *seductive purr* Why don't you accompany me home, Lord Dannyl? I'm sure I can keep a man of your impressive stature entertained for the night!

Dannyl: What is it with you people and my height?!

Dem Agerralin: *sees Dannyl, and rubs his hands in glee* Aha! A pretty new toy to add to my collection!

_Dem Agerralin prances towards a wary Dannyl._

Dem Agerralin: Will you consider joining my special club for very special men, Lord Dannyl?

Dannyl: Oh yes! I'm very special.

Tayend: *growls possessively* Get your paws off Ambassador Dannyl everybody; he's _mine_.

Dannyl: Calm down people, and form an orderly queue.

Velend: Oh Tayend, my heart doth break at your cruelty! What doth this man have that I have not?

Tayend: I'm not sure I can answer that without this story getting an M rating.

* * *

><p><em>Similarly to my infamously drawn-out Novice Parody, this story might be a bit hit-and-miss at times. I'm hoping to start updating more regularly from now on though, and there are future chapters which I had a lot of fun writing which I hope readers will enjoy too. <em>

_Until then, (if anyone is actually still reading this spoof that is!) I'm very grateful for reviews and feedback as always :D _


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7:**

**The Great Library and Other Great Things**

_Sonea is confronted by Regin and his gang of cronies. _

Regin: Haha! You're from the slums.

Sonea: That joke is older than Rothen, and almost as tiresome.

Elyne Girl: Ooh, I bet you used to sell yourself for sex in the slums! How disgusting.

Regin: Eww, why would any man in his right man _pay_ to sleep with you?!

Sonea: You sound like you know a lot about this sort of work, Regin.

Elyne Girl: *gasp* Regin's a manwhore!

Regin: Shut up, you're supposed to be on _my_ side!

Elyne Boy: I think we should all calm down, and sort out our differences over a nice cup of tea.

Regin: *cough*gayboy*cough*

Sonea: Why does every single insult or joke in this story revolve around sexuality, prostitution or Lord Dannyl's height?

Regin: *sneers in a sing-song voice* Sonea sleeps with Rothen!

Sonea: That does it *kicks Regin in a sensitive place and runs away*

Regin: *hobbles around in pain*

* * *

><p><em>Dannyl meets Tayend outside the Great Library.<em>

Dannyl: Wow, it's so _big_!

Tayend: It sure is.

Dannyl: Why do you keep staring at me like that?

Tayend: *coughs* do you wanna come inside?

Dannyl: The library you mean?

Tayend: Of course. What else could I mean?

Dannyl: *heals away perverse thoughts*

Tayend: So… you're probably wondering about those rumours concerning me and Akkarin when he came to Elyne a few years back. But he was only using me to do all his research for him; _and_ he made me dress up in a novice uniform. He dumped me when everyone found out he was dating someone underage.

Dannyl: Yeah, I heard all about that, actually. And Akkarin only gave me this job because I dressed up as a novice at the interview.

_They pass by the Great Library gift shop, and Dannyl eagerly searches for something memorable to buy his friends at the Guild._

Dannyl: Hey, how much are these bookmarks?

Tayend: 4 silvers each, but I'll give 'em to you for half price.

Dannyl: Oh cool, your picture is on some of them! But you're not wearing a lot of clothes.

Tayend: Yeah, those ones are very popular with visiting fangirls.

Dannyl: I'll take all of them!

Tayend: Shouldn't we be doing some research?

Dannyl: *ignores Tayend* Have you got any of these t-shirts in an extra tall size? For… my friend? He's about the same height as me.

Tayend: Look, you can raid the gift shop later. I want to show you my extra special study room, which I only show to my extra special friends.

Dannyl: *wipes away a tear of happiness that he has a friend*

* * *

><p>Lorlen: *puts on his serious face* Lord Rothen, I do hereby accuse you of sleeping with your novice.<p>

Rothen: I swear I didn't do it! Everyone knows about my impotency. It's why my wife faked her death, and ran away to marry some rich Elyne guy. Apparently he could satisfy her in ways that I simply couldn't.

Lorlen: Too much information, Rothen! *removes his serious face, and puts on his easy-to-confide-in face* I think Sonea would be better off living with the other novices. She may be ruthlessly bullied and traumatised for life by doing so, but I still think it's for the best.

Rothen: Agreed. Anything to stop her rebelliously trashing my rooms every day.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8:**

**Honeymoons and Martial Arts**

_Dannyl and Tayend are on a ship heading to Lonmar._

Tayend: I hope you don't mind that I updated my relationship status at court from "slut" to "settling down" before we left. I want everybody to know I've run away with a tall, handsome stranger!

Dannyl: *is flattered and stands up to his full height*

Tayend: It's just a shame you chose Lonmar as our honeymoon destination. Seriously, what were you thinking?

Dannyl: I got a good deal on the accommodation! We just have to behave morbidly sober while we're there, or else we'll get executed. And if _that_ happened, Rothen would be so heartbroken over me, he'd commit suicide.

Tayend: Actually, he'd probably have a party to celebrate, and flog off all your old possessions to fangirls on eBay.

_Dannyl and Tayend look out over the ship's railings, to watch Capia as they sail further away from it. _

Tayend (monologue): *sighs dramatically* Oh beautiful city, my heart doth ache to leave thee! Thou wereth like a lover to me, with thine warm rays of sun which caressed my face so lovingly. How I have taken thee for granted! Forgive me, gentle city, and I shall gladly offer thee-

Dannyl: Shut up!

Tayend: Canst thou pass me a bucket? My stomach doth recoil at the lurch of the sea.

Dannyl: It's no wonder Akkarin dumped you! You're getting on my nerves already.

* * *

><p><em>Sonea has been moved into the class above her, in order to be rid of Regin and his gang.<em>

Sonea: I'm so happy to be rid of Regin forever! *dances her happy slum girl dance*

Other Novices: *edge their chairs away from the new girl*

Sonea: And these novices all look less imposing than my other class. Like that guy over there, with head lice in his hair! He's my kind of guy.

Poril: *whispers* We're in the middle of class, Sonea. Can you keep it down?

Lord Kiano: Today, I'm going to be teaching you some martial arts moves. Just like on the cover of this book!

_Lord Kiano pulls out a long pole __from under his robes__, and displays some impressive fighting techniques. _

Poril: *so excited he wets himself* Do we get to use those cool poles too?!

Lord Kiano: *sternly* You can't _handle_ the poles.

Sonea: I have a question.

Lord Kiano: Ask away, new girl who looks like a boy.

Sonea: Is your surname Reeves?

Lord Kiano Reeves: Yes.

Sonea: Can I have your autograph?!

* * *

><p><em>I hope the Keanu Reeves joke didn't fall flat at the end there :P Anyway I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their continued support with this parody. I seriously would have abandoned it by now if it weren't for all your encouraging reviews and feedback XD<br>_


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: **

**Thou Shalt Not Steal... **

**(Nor Offend the Author)  
><strong>

_Dannyl and Tayend arrive in Lonmar, and are shown to their accommodation._

Lonmar servant: I'm sorry my lords, but there's only one room left.

Dannyl: But... there's a double bed here… which means...

Tayend: *rubs hands together in glee*

Dannyl: Looks like you're sleeping on the couch!

Tayend: Don't act all innocent with me, Lord Dannyl. I put up with enough of that in _T__he Novice Parody_.

Dannyl: I thought that was all just a dream!

Tayend: That's what the author _wants_ you to think… *whispers* But some day we're gonna escape from this endless loop of second-rate parodies and- Arrghhh! *trips over a conveniently placed cat*

Dannyl: Shut up, I think she's listening!

* * *

><p><em>Sonea is in the Guild library, trying to start the essay which Lord Elben assigned her class.<em>

Librarian: I'm sorry dear; all the copies of _The Magician's Apprentice_ have been taken out by other novices.

Sonea: Darn it! I have to write a four thousand word essay on it by tomorrow, or Lord Elben's gonna probe me again!

Librarian: Hey, we all have problems sweetheart. I wanted to be a journalist for _The Elyne Times_, but look at me now: stuck in a dead-end job at the Guild with no decent men around now that Lord Dannyl has left.

Sonea: You're not the author of this story, by any chance? I've heard you give yourself cameo roles.

Librarian: *crosses arms to hide her t-shirt which says "_Dan & Tay Forever"_* I don't know what you're talking about, young lady. Now scat!

* * *

><p><em>Sonea heads back to the Novice Quarters, feeling lonely and dejected. <em>

Cery: Hai!

Sonea: Hark! Is that the gentle voice of my childhood sweetheart?

Cery: This place has really screwed you up, hasn't it?

Lord Ahrind: *who's role in this story is similar to that of Argus Filch's in Harry Potter* Oi, you filthy rat boy! Get outta here, before I smack you round with this broom!

Sonea: Shut it Ahrind, or I'll blow up your precious pet cat.

Lord Ahrind: *continues to grumble and scampers off*

Cery: Why haven't you returned any of my love letters?! I spent all my wages to pay for someone to compose them for me!

Sonea: I've been busy getting bullied, can't you tell?

Cery: I hate to say this, but I'm dumping you.

Sonea: What?! We're not even a couple!

Cery: *shakes head sadly* I'm sorry, sweet Sonea, I know this is difficult. But I've got a thing for sexy Sachakan women now, so I'm off to find me one of those.

* * *

><p><em>Rothen has been called to Director Jerk- I mean Jerrik's office, due to an allegation against his novice.<em>

Narron: She stole my pen!

Sonea: Oh come on, it's just a stupid pen. I was able to feed my aunt and uncle for a week by selling it!

Rothen: *stern voice* Sonea, did you really steal his pen? Or are you just stirring up trouble again?

Sonea: Nobody understands me! I'm so alone!

Regin: *sneers into the room from the outside window*

Rothen: *uses magic to push Regin into a rosebush*

Jerrik: As punishment for stealing a pen, Sonea shall spend each evening helping the librarian in the library.

Sonea: Ah drat, I'm gonna be stuck with that nutty lady! She looks like she lives with a houseful of cats.

Regin: *makes a come-back, and storms into the room*

Rothen: I - I've got to be going now… For an unexplainable but perfectly respectable reason…

Regin: *sneers* Oooh, heading off to partake in the yearly _Purge_, are we?

Sonea: *aghast* How could you betray me like this Rothen? You swore on the High Lord's life you'd never go again! Go find another novice's life to screw with, because you're fired as _my_ Guardian!

_Sonea storms off, intent on gorging on her secret stash of chocolate to make herself feel better. _

* * *

><p>As always I've been ridiculously happy that you lovely readers are still reading &amp; reviewing this piece of parody madness. I want to express my thanks to everyone who has reviewed or favourited this story so far, and also to give a shout out to my anonymous reviewers, who I never get to reply to. You sneaky things ;D <em><br>_


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: **

**Pirates and Tantrums**

_A novice has died after overdosing on the drug nemmin, and Sonea has just heard the dreadful news from Rothen. He invites her to have lunch with him in his rooms._

Sonea: *mouth full* I never much liked him anyway.

Rothen: Sonea! A young boy has just died. Don't you feel any sadness at all?

Sonea: Pass the butter please.

Rothen: *exasperated* I'm glad you ended my Guardianship; you're more trouble than Dannyl ever was! At least _he_ paid impeccable attention to grooming. You haven't washed since you got here!

Sonea: Did you know that over five hundred Elynes drown every year in bathing related accidents?! I'm not taking any chances.

Rothen: Fine. But why are you filling your schoolbag with food?

Sonea: I'm a growing woman.

Rothen: It's about time too; you looked like an anorexic Hobbit when I first met you.

Sonea: *stuffs slices of cake into her pockets*

Rothen: I'll make you a doggy bag if you like, dear.

* * *

><p><em>Dannyl and Tayend are on a ship heading to the Vin Islands. Their stay in Lonmar has been cut out of the story due to time restraints and lack of importance.<em>

Tayend: It's very nice of you to let us sleep in your cabin, Mr Captain of this ship! But I'm not sure I'm comfortable sleeping in your bed…

Mr Captain: *looks suitably disappointed and swears vehemently in Vindo*

Tayend: *gasps* Cover your ears, Lord Dannyl!

_Suddenly, they hear a commotion out on the deck, and run out to find a pirate ship approaching._

Captain Jack Sparrow: Ahoy there, mateys!

Tayend: *squee* OMG I'm your biggest fan!

Dannyl: Leave us alone, before I blow you and your ship up, you dirty scoundrel!

Captain Jack Sparrow: First, let me make an acquaintance with your fine friend here *winks at Tayend*

Tayend: Please let me get his autograph Dannyl, pleeeease!

Dannyl: Begone from here, pirate! *shoots magical fire at the pirate ship, forcing it to sail away*

Tayend: *screams at Dannyl* I HATE you! You always embarrass me in front of others! Now I'll never see him again, and it's all _your_ fault!

Dannyl: Seriously Tayend, he wasn't your type.

Tayend: I'm going off to my cabin to sulk! No wait, I'm going off to the _captain's_ cabin to sulk, and find a way to cheer myself up!

Mr Captain: *hurries to assist Tayend in his hour of need*

* * *

><p><em>Possibly a bit of a filler-in chapter, and I'm aware poor Lorlen has been absent lately but he'll be back in the next chapter. And Dorrien is introduced in 2 chapters time, something I'm looking forward to :D <em>

_Once again, thanks again to everyone who has reviewed, favourited or followed this parody XD I'm actually surprised nobody yet has taken me up on my statement in the summary for this story, and asked for their money back :P  
><em>


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11:**

** False Accusations**

_Regin__ has accused Sonea of trying to murder__ him and his gang of friends. Of course, The Higher Magicians take this matter _very_ seriously. _

Lady Vinara: Don't be such a pussy Regin.

Regin: But I swear it's true! My friends and I were having a delightful picnic in the forest, when that slum bitch jumped out of nowhere and attacked us with a chainsaw! _And_ she tried to rape me.

Lady Vinara: That last part's hardly true.

Lord Balkan: But the rest of it sounds likely.

_Rothen is summoned. He comes running out from the Baths, and arrives at the scene all sweaty and breathless._

Rothen: I came as fast as I could! Did Sonea murder someone?!

Lady Vinara: Oh dear god man put a towel on!

Rothen: *zaps himself into some clothes*

Lord Balkan: Your novice is accused of trying to kill Regin. And some of his inconsequential friends.

Rothen: *in a non-convincing tone* Oh no! Sonea would _never_ do that…

Regin: I demand that as punishment, Sonea ought to be my slave for all eternity. Or my wife. It's all the same really.

Rothen: Hey, I just remembered I'm not even Sonea's Guardian anymore, after she fired me!

Lady Vinara: Yet you _still_ came running to defend her honour when you were in the middle of having a bath? That's very noble of you, Rothen.

Rothen: *bashful* It's just the kind of guy I am.

_Sonea is called to Administrator Lorlen's office to give her side of the story._

Lorlen: *sighs* Did you _really_ try to kill and sexually assault Regin and his friends? Not necessarily in that order though.

Sonea: Yes.

Lorlen: Don't you mean 'no'?

Sonea: No.

Lorlen: So did you do it or not?!

Sonea: *angrily starts trashing the office with magic* I'm not afraid of you people! I could blow you up any time I like.

Osen: *grabs Lorlen in fear*

Lorlen: I told you Osen, not in public!

Lady Vinara: It appears that young Sonea is stronger than all of us! Let's have a group huddle.

_Lorlen, Osen, Vinara and Balkan all go into a group huddle and whisper conspicuously. _

Lorlen: Alright, we've decided that the right thing to do in this situation is to let you get away, unpunished, with trying to murder your fellow novices. But we must caution you not to do it again, understood?

Sonea: Sure. But what about if I kill them in self-defence?

Lorlen: That's perfectly fine. Just try not to make too much of a mess.

_The Higher Magicians send Sonea back to her roo__ms with chocolates,__ a bottle of Anuren Dark__, and the _Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy_ as a gesture of goodwill._

Lady Vinara: Oh god, what if she turns against us and tries to take over the Guild?!

Lorlen: *exasperated* Look, I'd love to stay and chat about this all night, but Osen's taking me on a hot date and I need to get ready.

Osen: *smug* Yeah that's right, Lorlen is _so_ over Akkarin now that he's got me.

Lord Balkan: Why is everybody in this story gay?

Regin: *is still in the room for some reason, and throws up at the thought of the Guild overrun with gay magicians*

Lorlen: For god's sakes Regin! You've made a mess all over the carpet!


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: **

**Misguided Love Interests**

**Warning:** Those of a conservative nature may be distressed by the themes of infidelity, promiscuity, and bad table manners in the following chapter.

* * *

><p><em>Dorrien comes galloping into the Guild grounds where Rothen and Sonea are waiting, and dismounts his horse before it has come to a stop. <em>

Rothen: Someday you're going to break your neck doing that, and I'll be able to say 'I told you so!'

Dorrien: Don't be so sombre, Father. If I die then I'll be able to see Mother again!

Sonea: *puzzled* I thought your Mother was actually alive and living a life of indulgence in Elyne with her new boyfriend!

Rothen: *unconvincing laugh* Oh Sonea, where _do_ you get these ideas of yours from?

Sonea: You taught me to read using the old letters she sent to you, remember?

Rothen: *tries to shove Sonea behind a bush*

Dorrien: Ah, this must be the Slum Girl! I can't understand a word she's saying. I knew I should have read _Lord Dannyl's Guide to Slum Slang_!

Sonea: You really should have. It's the best part of the book.

_Rothen, Dorrien and Sonea return to Rothen's rooms to have some sumi and unhealthy snacks. _

Rothen: So, how's your village coping?

Dorrien: Ah, very well. Except for that fever that killed half the inhabitants, and that young boy who got mauled by Big Foot, everything is great!

Rothen: How's that young lady you told me about?

Dorrien: Ah yes… That's actually a bit embarrassing… Turns out she's into girls.

Sonea: *snorts and sprays everyone with sumi*

Rothen: Sonea, I _told_ you not to do that at the table! I don't care if you act like a pig when you're with your Slum buddies, but I won't tolerate it in my home!

Dorrien: Ah, leave the lass alone, she'll learn table manners soon enough.

Sonea: *smiles at Dorrien* You're my kind of guy!

Rothen: You said that about Dannyl, and look what happened to him.

Dorrien: What do you mean?

Rothen: *excitedly starts bitching about the exploits of his former novice*

* * *

><p><em>Dannyl and Tayend have arrived in Vin, and are spending the day exploring the town and watching the festival. Tayend is also looking out for hot men he can seduce. <em>

Dannyl: There's so many shirtless Vindo men around, I scarcely know where to look!

Tayend: I know _exactly_ where to look.

Dannyl: Do you want an ice-cream?

Tayend: *winks* Yeah, I need something to cool me down.

Dannyl: Could you at least _try_ to keep this book suitable for children?

_Dannyl wanders into an ice-cream shop, while Tayend starts flirting with a hot Vindo. Unfortunately, Tayend has terrible judgment in men, and the Vindo is actually a criminal who has just escaped from prison. He drags Tayend into an alleyway and tries to steal his clothes. _

Tayend: This is ridiculous! My clothes won't even _fit_ you.

Vindo Criminal: Shut up and start stripping.

Tayend: *snorts* I've heard _that_ before.

Dannyl: *aghast at what he sees* Oh sweet Tayend! What horror doth be inflicted upon thine tender body?!

Tayend: Shut up and save me!

Dannyl: … How?

Tayend: ARE YOU A MAGICIAN OR AREN'T YOU?!

Dannyl: Oh yeah!

_Dannyl uses magic to throw the ice-creams he's holding into the Vindo's face. He runs away, screaming about being blinded by bits of cookie dough._

Tayend: *feels dizzy from shock and is about to faint*

Dannyl: *catches Tayend, then promptly drops him when he realises he's half naked, and it could be illegal to touch naked men in this country*

Tayend: I swear I'll never go near any strange, handsome men ever again!

Dannyl: You probably don't want to start making promises you can't keep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: **

**More than Just Extra Special Friends**

_Dorrien leads Sonea up to the roof of the university. They stare at the Guild grounds, covered in a layer of thick snow._

Sonea: *sigh* Hogwarts is so beautiful in the winter!

Dorrien: Ah… didn't Rothen explain that this isn't Hogwarts? That was just a lie he told you to make you join the Guild.

Sonea: I - I don't believe you! Hogwarts is my home!

Dorrien: Alright then. Why don't I pretend to be Harry, and you can be Hermione? *winks playfully*

Sonea: I want to be Harry!

Dorrien: … Right. I'll be Hermione.

_Dorrien thinks this is the perfect time to lean in and kiss Sonea._

Sonea: *slaps Dorrien* What are you doing?! Harry and Hermione together are _so_ wrong.

Dorrien: *starts thinking of a new plan to get Sonea into bed with him*

* * *

><p><em>Dannyl and Tayend s<em>_it on the balcony of their accommodation__ in Vin drinking wine. After Tayend's wild one night stand with a random Vindo acrobat, he__'s beginning__ to fe__ar Dannyl is growing suspicious. Especially after he drunkenly invited the magician to join a t__hreesome the night before. So the scholar__ confronts Dannyl about the badly kept secret of his sexuality._

Tayend: Dannyl… Can you keep a secret?

Dannyl: No.

Tayend: That's ok, because this isn't really a secret anyway. I'm a lad.

Dannyl: …

Tayend: …

Dannyl: Oh.

Tayend: Yeah.

_*awkward silence*_

Dannyl: More wine?

Tayend: Can I ask you a personal question?

Dannyl: No.

Tayend: What really happened between you and the older novice?

Dannyl: It's complicated.

Tayend: I'm sure I'll be able to follow.

Dannyl: He promised to elope with me to Elyne, but then he had an affair with Fergun.

Tayend: Ouch.

Dannyl: Then he dumped Fergun, because he fell completely in love with Lorlen.

Tayend: What was his name?

Dannyl: Osen. I mean wait! Forget I said that.

Tayend: *can't wait to start rumours once he gets internet access*

Dannyl: You look really pretty in the sunlight.

Tayend: _What_ did you just say?!

Dannyl: *heals away desirous impulses* Nothing. Just keep drinking your wine and forget we ever had this conversation.

* * *

><p><em>Sonea and Dorrien are hiding at the back of the library. Rothen's fatherly sense is tingling, so he heads to the library to find out what they're up to. <em>

Sonea: *giggles* Put that away, Dorrien.

Dorrien: *chuckles* I thought you might like it.

Sonea: I do but… someone might see us!

_Rothen hears suspicious noises so he jumps out from behind a bookshelf to see what mischief is being committed. _

Rothen: *closes his eyes to save himself from a potentially horrible sight* _What _in the name of Fifty Shades are you two doing?!

Dorrien: I was just showing Sonea… something.

Sonea: Yeah, he was!

Rothen: What do you mean by _something_?!

Dorrien: …

Sonea: …

Rothen: Was it something dirty?

Sonea: Oh yes.

Dorrien: We better clear this up before everyone thinks I'm a pervert.

Sonea: He was showing me the slash fanfiction he wrote!

Rothen: *clueless parental expression* … _Slash_? … _Fanfiction_?

Sonea: He was so inspired by all those filthy rumours about Dannyl and Tayend, he decided to write some PWP about them!

Rothen: … PWP?!

Sonea: I think he got them both really IC, even though it was an AU setting and full of lemon.

Rothen: *brain explodes with all this young people language*

Librarian: Darn it! He made a mess all over the carpet.

Dorrien: How about I let you read my fanfiction, and you forget this incident ever happened?

Librarian: … Deal.

* * *

><p><em>Lorlen and Osen are having a romantic meal together. However, Lorlen is a little preoccupied with his absence in the story so far. <em>

Lorlen: I don't know Osen. I just think I'm being neglected in favour of the younger, sexier, non-work obsessed characters. Heck, even Rothen's got more scenes than me!

Osen: Hmm… Maybe we should, you know, spice things up a bit?

Lorlen: You mean like… more paperwork?

Osen: Well, not necessarily. You see I've been doing some research...

Lorlen: *gasps* You've been reading Dorrien's fanfictions, haven't you? I specifically banned those at last week's Meet!

Osen: But _Fifty Shades of Dannyl & Tayend_ gave me some really great ideas-

Lorlen: *stands abruptly* I won't listen to this, Osen. I thought we had so much in common, but now I see you're only interested in one thing.

Osen: Wait, don't leave! I'll do anything for you; I'll even dress up as Akkarin again!

Lorlen: It's too late for that. I've realised that getting back with Akkarin is the only thing that'll get me back into this story.

Osen: But- but remember what the fortune cookie said! "Your best friend will betray you in the very next chapter!"

Lorlen: Honestly Osen. You're being overdramatic.

Osen: Heed my words, you'll rue the day you first set eyes on his crooked smile!


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: **

**Dirty Little Secrets**

Lord Dannyl's Third Commandment:_ "Thou Shalt Beware the Crooked Smile..." (-_The Novice Parody_) **  
><strong>_

* * *

><p><em>Sonea comes out from her monthly wash in the Baths, and is waylaid by Dorrien.<em>

Sonea: *screams* What the _hell_ are you doing here?

Dorrien: I could ask you the same thing!

Sonea: I was having a bath! Were you trying to look in the window at me?!

Dorrien: …

Sonea: So you _are_ a pervert!

Dorrien: It's not my fault! I can't stop thinking about you, and since you won't sleep with me, I wanted to see you naked before I leave.

Sonea: Ah, that's kinda sweet!

Dorrien: *crooked smile* Why don't you accompany me into the forest? I… want to tell you something.

Sonea: *is intrigued by the crooked smile and follows*

_Dorrien spots a small rodent lying on the forest floor._

Dorrien: Hark! That poor mouse is in pain! I must endeavour to save it!

_Dorrien tries to revive the mouse by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. _

Sonea: Ah… I think it's already dead.

Dorrien: Oh. *drops limp mouse from his mouth*

Sonea: You're not _really_ a qualified Healer, are you?

Dorrien (monologue): Oh sweet Sonea, my heart doth ache to be near thee! I would gladly die within the hour, in exchange for planting one kiss upon thine tender lips.

Sonea: Alright, but no tongues.

Dorrien: *kisses Sonea like she's never been kissed before*

Sonea: That was actually quite nice! It would have been perfect if you hadn't tasted like a mouse, but I'm used to that from Cery.

Rothen: *using mental communication* DORRIEN, GET YOUR FILTHY PAWS OFF SONEA AND GO HOME ALREADY!

Dorrien: I must hastily depart now, sweet Sonea. But fear not, for I shall return in Part 2! *Dorrien disappears in a swirl of his cloak*

Sonea: *sighs* My one true love!

* * *

><p><em>Sonea has been called by Rothen to his rooms, for a matter of the utmost importance.<em>

Sonea: Why are Akkarin and Lorlen here too? Did I just walk in on a threesome?!

Rothen: *shudder*

Akkarin: *crooked smile* I'm here to mind rape you all.

Sonea: … I don't think I like crooked smiles anymore.

Lorlen: Do all those years we spent together mean nothing to you, Akkarin?

Akkarin: *flexes his long, slim, yet masculine fingers* I just felt sorry for you.

Rothen: I'm too old to have to put up with this!

Akkarin: You're too old to be in this story, but what can I do about it? *mind rapes the old man*

Sonea: *horror* Oh my god, you monster! Nothing will ever change my mind about you now!

Akkarin: You next, Lorlen. *mind rapes Lorlen*

Lorlen: Is it wrong that I sort of enjoyed that?

Akkarin: *tries to mind rape Sonea*

Sonea: I'm gonna fight back! *thinks about all the Dannyl/Tayend slash fanfiction Dorrien wrote for her*

Akkarin: *in agony* _Ahhhh!_ That's so badly written, I think I might die.

Sonea: Write a review and tell Dorrien how he can improve.

Akkarin: I _never_ write reviews!

Sonea: *shock* Evil, evil man.

Akkarin: Because I have a particular taste for young novices, I do hereby claim you, Sonea!

Sonea: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Akkarin: Henceforth, I shall be your new Guardian!

*Rothen faints from the horror of it all*

**End of Part 1…**

_Yes, this will officially be the longest, most drawn out parody in the short history of _Black Magician Trilogy_ parodies. And it's all thanks to you wonderful readers for your constant support & encouraging feedback that I've been able to keep updating this craziness. Thank you all so much, and in case I don't get to start updating Part 2 for a few weeks, I wish you all an early Happy Christmas :D  
><em>


	15. Chapter 15

**Part 2**

**Chapter 15: Betrayal and Lust**

_Lorlen broods over how Akkarin came to realise that he knew about his dark, blood-drenched secret._

_(Flashback #1) Lorlen has visited Akkarin in his Residence. He decides to try gaining his ex-lover's trust._

Lorlen: So, Akkarin, I've been thinking about us…

Akkarin: *raises a perfectly sculpted yet manly eyebrow* Oh?

Lorlen: Well you see… I want to get back together with you. Osen's no good in bed, you see. And I've tried making him dress up as you, but it just isn't the same.

Akkarin: *smug crooked smile*

Lorlen: And I miss that endearing crooked smile of yours!

Akkarin: *smiles even more crookedly* Come hither, noble Administrator, and let me kiss thine tender lips.

Lorlen: *is mighty pleased his scenes are steamier than Dannyl and Tayend's*

Akkarin: *stealthily reads Lorlen's mind*

Lorlen: Damn it, I forgot you could do that!

Akkarin: YOU KNOW ABOUT MY SECRET? HOW CAN THIS BE?!

Lorlen: I've changed my mind, I want to be single.

Akkarin: I shall make you suffer!

Lorlen: But it's all the Slum Girl's fault! She was spying on you taking your clothes off, and saw you perform Black Magic!

Akkarin: That Slum Girl shall rue the day she was born!

Lorlen: I think she already does. That bullying storyline is rather upsetting.

_End of Flashback._

* * *

><p><em>Back in Vin, Dannyl and Tayend make their way to the Tomb of White Tears. It's dark, and Tayend keeps "accidentally" bumping into Dannyl. <em>

Tayend: All this sand is ruining my designer shoes!

Dannyl: Stop complaining, we're lucky to still have a storyline in this book at all.

Tayend: *crooked smile* Have you found your new love interest yet?

Dannyl: *shudder* Please don't smile like that, it makes me think of Akkarin.

Tayend: You sound terrified of him. Did he do something terrible to you when you were a novice?

Dannyl: I don't want to talk about it.

Tayend: At least you're taller than him.

Dannyl: That's true.

Tayend: You know I _really_ like tall men…

Dannyl: Stop changing the subject. You're on your last warning from the author, remember? No more dirty talk, or she'll kill you off.

Tayend: *sigh* The worst she'll do is spank me again. You know Dannyl, I was wondering. You're the Slum Slang expert, right? Is there a term for someone who's intelligent, but utterly hopeless at recognising when someone fancies them?

Dannyl: Ah, I don't know.

Tayend: Right… Maybe you should check it up.

Dannyl: What's _that_ supposed to mean?!

Tayend: *winks*

* * *

><p>Hadn't meant to take as long to post this chapter, but I should be back to updating fairly regularly from now on. Thanks as always for reading and a belated Happy New Year to everyone :D<p> 


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16: **

**Another Pointless Chapter**

_Tania finds Rothen sprawled asleep on the couch one morning, surrounded by used syringes. She carefully prods him with a broom._

Rothen: *wakes up with a jolt* Oh, is it morning already?!

Tania: *concerned face* Sir, I know it's not my place to ask… but did you overdose on nemmin again?

Rothen: Who do you think you are, my mother?! Get out of my rooms! *sends sparks at her*

_Tania scampers off in fear, and resolves to complain to the Servant's Union about being mistreated by her junkie boss. _

Rothen: Darn it. Now I have to make my own breakfast!

* * *

><p><em>Sonea sits in class, pretending to mind her own business. But the eavesdropping skills Lord Dannyl taught her come in handy…<em>

Elyne Girl: *loudly* I don't know why Akkarin chose _her_ over me! What has she got that I don't?

Elyne Boy: Shhh, I think she can hear us!

Elyne Girl: Maybe we should lower our voices.

_Lord Larkin strolls into the classroom. Essentially, he's a slightly shorter and even more sexually ambiguous version of Lord Dannyl. _

Lord Larkin: I was gonna teach you some boring stuff about ancient magic today, but the author insisted that instead I give you a free class to go out and enjoy the sunshine! Despite the fact its pouring rain at the moment, as is typical in Kyralia.

Everybody: *cheers*

Akkarin: *watching from his window* Mmmm, wet novices…. *drools*

_Sonea is much too important to join the others outside, so she wanders around the Guild aimlessly, hoping for something interesting to happen. Suddenly, she is attacked from behind by an unknown assailant. _

Sonea: *screams* OMG Akkarin's gonna kill me!

Yikmo: It's ok, it's just me! Your friendly neighbourhood Yikmo.

Sonea: What are you, a superhero?!

Yikmo: *proudly* I like to think so.

Sonea: Well then stop stalking innocent young women!

* * *

><p><em>Dannyl and Tayend are onboard a ship back to Capia. Tayend is on deck staring intently at two leeches mating. He's been doing this for the last hour.<em>

Dannyl: … I don't even want to _ask _what you're doing.

Tayend: Hey, I've been celibate for over a week! Gimme a break.

Vindo Sailors: *gather round to watch some free leech pornography*

Dannyl: … Something tells me my storyline was only added to bulk up the book.

* * *

><p><em>Sonea is having dinner with the High Lord.<em>

Akkarin: I'm actually starting to enjoy you as my novice. The way your eyes widen in fear every time you look at me is very gratifying.

Sonea: *eyes widen in fear*

Akkarin: And having you around means I can stop asking Takan to dress up as a novice to satisfy my needs!

Sonea: *Doesn't want to think about the implications of that*

Akkarin: Do you like the food?

Sonea: *shrugs*

Akkarin: Insolent child! Takan has spent hours in the kitchen preparing it!

Sonea: I didn't ask him to.

Akkarin: *calms his rising anger and puts on his slickest crooked smile*

Sonea: Oh no, that crooked smile doesn't look good.

Akkarin: For your rudeness, I shall have to spank you tonight as punishment.

Sonea: … This storyline is _sick_.

* * *

><p>Sorry for not updating sooner, I'm heading off to London next week &amp; have been busy preparing for that. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, &amp; thank you once again for your continued support &amp; reviews :D<p> 


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17:**

** A Night to Remember **

_Dannyl and Tayend are attending Bel Arralade's birthday party. Dannyl innocently tries to acquire some gossip from the hostess. _

Dannyl: So, I was wondering if you remember Akkarin from ten years ago?

Bel Arralade: If you want information, Ambassador, it's going to cost you.

Dannyl: How much?

Bel Arralade: Your _virginity_.

Dannyl: Rothen warned me about women like you! And for your information, I'm saving myself for my wedding night.

Bel Arralade: You Kyralian men are weird.

_Meanwhile, Tayend is arguing with his date, Velend… _

Tayend: For the last time Velend, I don't want to see your god damn sword!

Velend: Why not? I shined it just for you!

Tayend: You look too much like Lord Fergun. That's a major turn-off.

Velend: What if I dressed up in purple robes and let you call me Lord Dannyl?

Tayend: … Deal. But this whole scene just feels like a rip-off from _The Novice Parody_.

Author: *resolves that she'll be giving Tayend of Tremmelin the spanking of his life later for that remark*

* * *

><p><em>After Bel Arralade's party, a scene occurs which has been added purely to bulk the chapter up. Dannyl relates to Ambassador Errand the events of the evening. <em>

Dannyl: …And _then_ she tried to steal my virginity, but I wasn't having any of _that_! So I hit her over the head with my special martial arts stick and ran straight home.

Errand: Seriously Dannyl, get laid already.

Dannyl: I wish Tayend were here, _he'd_ understand my plight and comfort me. He likes cuddling; he did it all the time with acrobats while we stayed in Vin.

Errand: *chuckles unkindly* Yeah, I bet Tayend's _very_ experienced when it comes to cuddling.

Dannyl: You're just jealous because nobody cuddles _you_. Ever heard of Weight Watchers?

Errand: *stern voice* If you don't go to bed now, I'll give Rothen a mental call to tell him you're being cheeky again. _And_ I'll tell him you're having dirty cuddlesome thoughts about that minxy excuse for a scholar!

Dannyl *goes to bed muttering darkly*

* * *

><p><em>Sonea is walking briskly back to the Novice Quarters one evening, hoping she doesn't bump into Regin.<em>

Regin: *sneer* I think it's time I made a re-appearance!

Sonea: Crap.

Regin: *in the drawling voice which he has been cursed with from birth* How was your Glee Club meeting, Sonea?

Sonea: *scowls* They wouldn't accept me. Said I was too different, even by their standards.

Regin: Haha! They've never refused _anyone_ before! You're so weird Sonea. And you smell like an unwashed Vindo sailor. Who rolled in reber dung. And then sprayed himself with cheap Elyne perfume.

Sonea: *walks away* Let me know when you come up with some _decent_ new jokes, Regin.

Regin: Wait! I have to tell you something important!

Sonea: *Is gone*

Regin: I've read the sequel trilogy, and apparently we hook up in it!

Sonea: …

Regin: Darn it, she's gone! I don't know why she doesn't like me… *goes home to cry into his pillow and read trashy vampire romance novels to make himself feel better*


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18: **

**Dubious Propositions **

_Rothen is chatting to Yaldin and Erzille in the Night Room._

Yaldin: As the oldest inhabitants of the Guild, we need to stick together!

Rothen: Speak for yourself; I'm not old!

Erzille: *shakes head in dismay* Is _that_ why you think it's a good idea to start taking up nemmin and extreme skate-boarding?

Rothen: *shifty look*

Erzille: I know everything that goes on around here, you see. *puts on her all-knowing old lady expression*

Rothen: You know, I _have_ been feeling lonely ever since Dannyl abandoned me, and Akkarin stole my novice. Let's say we get together for a game of Spin the Bottle, and later get recklessly drunk and trash the Guild?

Yaldin: *chuckles* Sounds like a plan.

* * *

><p><em>Dannyl and Tayend are staying at Mayrie's house. After having a lot to drink, Tayend starts a passionate rant.<em>

Tayend (monologue): Oh noble Dannyl, who doth make my heart beat so swiftly! Never before have I known a man as valiant and honourable as thee. Would that I knew of thine feelings for me! If thine body aches for me as mine doth for yours, I would gladly ravish thee senseless right here and now, without a care for whatever curious eyes may linger upon us.

Dannyl: _What_ in the Allied Lands are you talking about?

Tayend: Oh, never mind. *drinks more wine*

Dannyl: You mentioned before that there was a particular man you admired.

Tayend: Oh, glorious moment! I have waited for thee for so long!

Dannyl: Is it Velend?

Tayend: … Holy Canavan, you are thick.

_Mayrie takes Dannyl for a stroll through the vineyards, hoping to seduce him. Or at least unravel the mystery of his sexuality._

Mayrie: So… are you gay or aren't you?

Dannyl: *sighs dramatically* Why does everyone think I'm gay?!

Mayrie: …

Dannyl: That "…" thing you and Tayend keep doing really gets on my nerves.

Mayrie: …

Dannyl: *sighs even more dramatically*

Mayrie: *blurts out* Tayendwantstosleepwithyou!

Dannyl: Wah?

Mayrie: Never mind, you'll figure it out soon no doubt. Tayend doesn't know the meaning of the word discreet.

Dannyl: Wait a second! Are _you_ my love interest?!

Mayrie: *winks* I could be if you want…

Dannyl: Actually, I don't know how to have sex, so you'll have to teach me.

Mayrie: I don't have time to be groped by clueless magicians! Go find someone else who wants to take care of you.

Dannyl: *sad, puppy dog face*

_Tayend's "Dannyl is upset" sense is tingling, and he runs out from the house to meet Dannyl. _

Tayend: Oh my sweet Dannyl! What hath my sister done to thine innocent body?!

Dannyl: *sniff* I feel so unloved.

Tayend: Come hither to my bed tonight, and I shall make thee feel more loved than a box of chocolates.

Dannyl: Mmm chocolate… *follows Tayend to his room*


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19: **

**Perversions and Plotholes **

_Rothen gets a late night visit from Yaldin. (But not the sort of late night visit you're thinking of.) Ever since Dannyl abandoned him, and Tania ran away with the Guild librarian, he's been very lonely and troubled. _

Rothen: *injects himself with nemmin*

Yaldin: So as I was saying, the Night Room is awash with nasty gossip about young Dannyl and his slutty assistant. And _everyone _from the servants to the High Lord seems to be reading Dorrien's filthy fanfictions about them doing it up against bookcases and the like. Not that _I've_ read any of them myself…

Rothen: Dear god, so much for all those "Heal Everything Away" lessons I gave to Dannyl.

Yaldin: *chuckles* You should have given him more lessons!

Rothen: Shut up you! It's not my fault all my novices turn out to be either homosexual or murderers.

Yaldin: Sonea's a murderer?

Rothen: Apparently she knifed some bloke in the slums because he turned up late for his date with her.

Yaldin: That's just a rumour.

Rothen: The Slum Police caught her red-handed! It's why she decided to join the Guild; we agreed to clear her criminal record in exchange for a life-time of service as a magician.

Yaldin: As interesting as this is, I better be heading home soon.

Rothen: Wait, don't leave me here alone! I haven't told you about the biggest scandal ever!

Yaldin: I really should go; I think I left the oven on again-

Rothen: AKKARIN'S A BLACK MAGICIAN!

Yaldin: *rubs hands together in glee* Wait until everyone in the Night Room hears about _this!_

* * *

><p><em>Sonea is being chased by a gang of her fellow novices, down the forbidden underground passages of the Guild.<em>

Sonea: Trust my luck that these corridors are forbidden!

Regin: Come back, sweet Sonea! I have a present for you!

Sonea: *runs faster, thankful for all those extra running lessons Yikmo has been giving her*

_Sonea reaches a dead-end, and frantically searches the bookcase in front of her. She randomly starts grabbing at the books, and suddenly the bookcase swings open. She dashes inside and closes it behind her. Conveniently, there is a peephole for her to observe the corridor outside._

Regin: Darn it, she's gone! What am I supposed to do with this engagement ring now?

_As Regin's gang walks off, Sonea hears deep, ominous breathing from behind her. _

Sonea: *screams* Oh my god it's Darth Vader!

Akkarin: *sneering crooked smile* Guess again, Slum Girl.

Sonea: What the hell are _you_ doing here? This is my new hide-out, so scram!

Akkarin: Actually this is where I come to indulge in depraved pleasures.

Sonea: I see… Is that why there are pictures of novices all over the wall? *aghast* And is that a shrine dedicated to _me_ in the corner? Were you taking pictures of me when I was asleep?!

Akkarin: _And_ when you're in the Baths. But seriously, you never lock the door.

Sonea: *scrambles to get out of this nightmare*

Akkarin: No wait! I want to show you the M rated waterfall fanfiction I've written about us!

Sonea: *runs away, seriously considering joining Tania and the Guild Librarian in their cat-filled mansion in Elyne*

Akkarin: *crooked sigh* Takan, I need you to put on those novice robes again.

Takan: *gulp* Yes master.

* * *

><p><em>Dannyl and Tayend travel to the ruined city of Armje, where <em>_they will _**finally**_ be able to have sex. Yes, it's taken them a _whole_ book before they get it on together. Lustful thoughts of what is to come fill Tayend's mind, and sustain him on the tiring journey. _

Tayend: *is writing out wedding invitations as he walks*

Dannyl: So… who's getting married?

Tayend: Oh, you'll see *chuckles*

Dannyl: Do you want me to heal you? You must be tired.

Tayend: NO!

Dannyl: Why not?

Tayend: I'm having certain… fantasies I'd rather not risk you seeing.

Dannyl: *shakes head* That's too vague for me to understand, Tayend.

Tayend: How the hell did someone as slow as you become an Ambassador?!

Dannyl: *shrugs* It's just another plot hole in my story.

Tayend: Oh look, we're here!

Dannyl: That was conveniently fast.

Tayend: Let's check out that dangerous looking building over there.

Dannyl: The one with the sign that reads: "Lads who go beyond this point will be exterminated,"?

Tayend: *grins* But you told me you're not a lad, so what are you worried about?

Dannyl: Ah… alright then… *goes into a mysterious tunnel*

Tayend: Are you still alive then?

Dannyl: I think I just found the Chamber of Secrets!

Tayend: This is _so_ much better than Sonea's storyline.

Dannyl: *yells loudly, and then is silent*

Tayend: Dannyl? … Are you dead?!

Dannyl: …

Tayend: *rolls eyes* I _told_ him not to go in there!


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20:**

**The Chapter Every Dannyl/Tayend Fangirl Has Been Waiting For… **

_Sonea, in a __bid__ to remind __the readers that this story is in fact about _her_, and _**not**_ Dannyl and Tayend, decides to daringly break out of the Guild and visit her family. _

Sonea: *jumps out of her bedroom window* I hope Akkarin doesn't check in on me tonight. Hopefully that pillow I drew a face on and left in my bed will fool him!

Akkarin: *enters Sonea's bedroom with a cup of hot milk* Sonea, why have you transformed yourself into a pillow? How do I explain this to the Healers?!

_Sonea reaches the Slums._

Sonea: Ah, the Slums. There's really nothing like the smell of unwashed bodies and fresh manure!

Slum People: *look at Sonea with hostility*

Sonea: It's me, Sonea! The girl who abandoned you all in your darkest hour to join the Guild and live in luxury!

Slum Children: *throw rocks at her*

Sonea: Why aren't you worshipping me?!

Jonna: Sonea you plank, get off the streets before you're killed!

_Sonea follows her aunt into her small house. _

Sonea: You really should consider upgrading your home. Surely one of the numerous gay characters in this story would be happy to help you re-decorate.

Jonna: And where would I get the money for that?!

Sonea: … Sell sexual favours to dubious strangers on the street? Come on, it's for your family's benefit!

Jonna: You've changed, Sonea. I knew that Guild was a bad place!

_A baby cries, and Jonna picks her up and tries to soothe her._

Jonna: Well I suppose at least being a magician means you won't accidentally get yourself pregnant, like I did!

Sonea: *chuckles* There's _no_ chance of that.

* * *

><p><em>Dannyl wakes up at Armje after his near death experience, because obviously gay characters can't be killed off. Especially those with lots of fangirls. <em>

Dannyl: I'm alive!

Tayend: *seductive voice* Hello there… _Dannyl_.

Dannyl: Why are you talking like that? … And why are there rose petals all over the grass? And where are my _robes_?!

Tayend: *crooked smile* Oh, you won't be needing _those_ for the next few days.

Dannyl: Has this got something to do with me suddenly realising I'm a lad?

Tayend: … Shut up and kiss me.

_Passionate kissing and groping follows._

Dannyl: *blush* Ah, there appears to be a crowd of fanatic looking girls staring at us-

Tayend: Just ignore 'em.

Dannyl: I'm not sure I can do that!

Tayend: Look, you better accept that everywhere we go from now on we'll be stalked by obsessive fangirls who want to watch us make out and write fanfiction about it.

Dannyl: *exasperated sigh* Alright girls, I'm drawing a line around us on the ground. Anyone who passes beyond this line while Tayend and I are having sex, won't be getting my autograph.

Tayend: And no photographs please! We need to at least _try_ to keep this a secret.

Dannyl: *grins* Sonea owes me 10 gold for that bet we made about who'd lose their virginity first!

Tayend: Come hither, noble Dannyl, and slither into my Chamber of Secrets.

Dannyl: … Maybe it'd be best if you just didn't speak while we did this.

_The fangirls "oooh" and "aaahh" appreciatively as Dannyl and Tayend do whatever it is they do that never appears in any Trudi Canavan novel._


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21:**

** Tangled Love Lives**

_After Dannyl and Tayend have consummated their new relationship in _**every**_ single position they can think of…_

Dannyl: I hate to be the one to say this, but maybe we should be leaving Armje.

Tayend: We've only been here a month! I'm sure the fangirls can think of something new for us to do…

_Dannyl gets a mental call from Akkarin._

Dannyl: OH MY GOD IT'S AKKARIN HE'S GONNA KILL ME!

Tayend: *asks Dannyl to put the mental link on loudspeaker* Stop calling Dannyl, you pervert! He's mine now!

Akkarin: Mwahahahahaha

Sonea: *joins the link* Hello, Dannyl?

Dannyl: Oh hey Sonea! What's up?

Sonea: Well I've been ruthlessly bullied all year, held hostage by a man who likes teenagers in novice uniforms, and everyone makes fun of me because I'm a virgin. And speaking of what's up, I heard you lost your virginity! It's all over the Guild tabloids.

Dannyl: WHAT?!

Sonea: I'm also pretty sick of seeing Fanfiction. net being filled up with Armje fics. The only thing worse are those sick stories about me and Akkarin *shivers*

Tayend: Personally I'm rooting for you and Regin.

Dorrien: *joins the link* Hey! Nothing's ever gonna break me and Sonea up. Stop speculating!

Akkarin: Mwahahahahaha

Rothen: *also joins the link*

Dannyl: God this mental communication is like a chatroom today.

Rothen: Dannyl, what have I told you about that Tayend fellow?! Keep your hands off him and keep healing away your inappropriate urges like a normal magician!

Tayend: Aren't _you_ the guy who overdoses on nemmin?

Rothen: … *leaves*

Sonea: I gotta go too, I'm devising a way to murder Regin and make it look like an accident.

Tayend: You know, bullying you relentlessly is just his way of showing affection.

Sonea: Nobody messes with the Slum Girl and gets away with it!

Tayend: Well, good luck losing your virginity!

* * *

><p><em>Dorrien visits the Guild after being sacked as a Healer in his village, for smuggling in nemmin over <em>_the Sachakan border to fuel his father's addiction. _

Dorrien: *seductive tone* Hello… _Sonea_. Do you know what'd look fantastic on you? ... ME.

Sonea: Seriously, you're using Tayend of Tremmelin's chat up lines to try and seduce me?!

Dorrien: Well, my _own_ methods don't seem that effective, seeing as you haven't replied to any of my love letters!

Sonea: I was being held hostage by a Black Magician!

Dorrien: Our relationship won't work if it's full of lies.

Sonea: Maybe I don't _want_ it to work!

Dorrien: You're gonna regret saying that after some old pervert knocks you up and then goes and dies leaving you to raise the kid as a single mother.

Sonea: … That's an unusually descriptive prediction.

Dorrien: I need to wipe out the competition, so that our future together will work. Why don't you challenge Regin to a formal duel in the Arena?

Sonea: Why don't _you_ do it?!

Dorrien: Look Sonea, this is your chance to murder him and make it look accidental. Plus it will silence the Sonea/Regin shippers forever!

Sonea: Let's do this thing!

* * *

><p><em>Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter! There's only one chapter left, so it won't be long until the craziness ends and you can all go back to reading sexy WaterfallArmje fanfics without my parody characters judging you! _

_Thanks as always for all your kind support :D  
><em>


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22: **

**The Battle Begins...**

_Sonea wakes up suddenly one night, alert to an ominous presence in her bedroom._

Sonea: Edward? Is that you?!

Akkarin: Ah… yes!

Sonea: Oh Edward, I've waited for thee for so long! Come, take me now; I offer up my virginity as a gift for thee!

Akkarin: *can't believe his luck and takes off his robes*

Sonea: Edward? Why does your body not glitter?

Akkarin: Does it normally do that?!

Sonea: *gasps* Thou art not Edward at all! Thou art a common pervert intent on stealing my precious innocence. Get thee gone from my bedroom, and never return! *sends powerful stunstrike at him, and he runs off howling in pain*

Sonea: From now on, I'm sticking to werewolves.

* * *

><p><em>Sonea waits outside the Arena before her battle with Regin.<em>

Sonea: *sharpens her daggers*

Rothen: Ah Sonea… you're not planning on stabbing Regin with those, are you?

Sonea: …

Rothen: That silence sounds ominous; I think I better take some nemmin. *injects himself with nemmin, overdoses and keels over*

Sonea: I better hide the body in case I get blamed for this! *kicks Rothen into a bush*

Lorlen: Now Sonea, if Regin kills or maims you in the Arena, we'll have to take money out of your allowance to clean up the mess. If you kill _Regin_, we'll need to use your money to buy a replacement son or pet for Regin's parents. Understand?

Akkarin: And if you lose, I shall make Regin my novice as a mark of how disappointed I am in you.

Dorrien: If you win, I'll marry you and buy a mansion in the countryside; and if you lose, I'll still marry you, but I'm only buying us a cottage.

Regin: *sneers* You're going down, Slum Girl!

Sonea: Not in this book! *throws every sort of strike she can think of at him*

_For the next 5 minutes, an assortment of sounds fill the Arena, such as: *Klonk* *Splat* *Wham* *Pow* *Crunch* *Bam* *Sock* *Crash*_

_Finally…_

Sonea: This is for knocking up my aunt Jonna! *hurls fatal firestrike at Regin*

Regin: Wait, that wasn't me it was Akk- ARRGGGHH! *bursts into flames*

Lorlen: _Sonea_! What were you thinking?! We all paid good money to come here today, and you kill your opponent in less than five minutes?!

Dannyl: I came all the way from Elyne to see this rubbish.

Tayend: And you dragged me along too! I want my money back!

Akkarin: Sonea, you shall proceed to fight the rest of your class, so that we all get our money's worth. Henceforth, this practise of setting novices against each other for entertainment shall be known as the Hunger Games. Let the battle begin!

Sonea: Die evil novices, DIE! *fires strikes in every direction*

Lorlen: Alright Sonea… maybe not quite so vigorously…. Remember you have to pay for the funeral of everyone you kill.

Sonea: *firestrikes Akkarin for trying to molest her the previous night*

Akkarin: EVERYBODY RUN!

_The crowd rushes out of the Arena, and into the Guild where they barricade the front door, leaving Sonea outside. They gather around the window to peer outside at her. _

Tayend: This is the worst holiday _ever_!

Sonea: I HATE you all! Nobody tried to stop Regin from bullying me all year! *Sets the Guild on fire*

Dannyl: Sonea _please_, you can't kill me! Remember our alternative married future together?

Sonea: You abandoned me for a garish piece of Elyne upper class trash!

Tayend: ... _Who_ exactly is she referring to?

Akkarin: Hey… Aren't you that scholar guy who tricked me into sleeping with you while you were still underage?!

Lorlen: God dammit we have more important things to deal with than Akkarin's questionable preference for teenagers! The Guild is on fire!

Sonea: *cackles manically and shoots more sparks* You shall all bow down to your new master!

Tayend: All hail High Lady Sonea!

Sonea: I shall take pity on you, tastelessly dressed Elyne slut, and make you my slave.

Tayend: *pouts* I was hoping for favourite concubine at the very _least_.

_Dorrien runs outside to confront the love of his life._

Dorrien: Sweet Sonea, this is sheer madness! A woman cannot rule the Guild by herself. Allow me to be your consort and advisor, and together we shall purge this place of bullies and slash-hating homophobes!

Sonea: It's a deal.

Akkarin: What about _me_ Sonea? I've already invested money in the Thieves illegal activities, just to win the approval I secretly crave from you!

Sonea: *starts blowing up the Guild*

Lorlen: The Guild isn't supposed to be destroyed until _The High Lord: Part 2_!

Tayend: I still can't _believe_ they decided to split it into 2 movies.

Trudi Canavan: More money for meeeeeeeee!

Tayend: *shocked* It's that woman who gives us all awful storylines, and refuses to write gay make-out scenes!

Sonea: It's _your_ fault I've been ruthlessly bullied and probed all year! *stunstrikes Trudi Canavan*

Dannyl: Hey, you could have waited til she signed my books.

Regin: *crawls back from the dead* Sonea! Please, marry me and bear my twelve children!

Sonea: _You_ shall be my mistress. And I'm never having kids, I know all about contraceptive now.

Rothen: *awakes from nemmin-induced stupor* Sonea, what have I told you about trying to blow up the Guild?!

Lorlen: I'm certainly not cleaning up this mess.

Akkarin: We'll make the first years do it. All dressed up in kinky outfits from my Summer Novice collection.

Tayend: Or maybe my Sexy Scholar collection! Wait, are we discussing dressing up _children_?! Trudi really did get desperate if she's resorted to this…

Lorlen: And I've still got paperwork to do! So my character hasn't really developed all that much… I've had it with this, next year I'm doing musical theatre with Osen!

Rothen: *frets* But the Guild's clearly beyond repair! Where ever shall we live now?

Tayend: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?

Lorlen: … All in favour of invading Hogwarts, raise your wands.

_Everybody is about to raise their wand, when they realise they have none._

Tayend: Am I the _only_ person with a wand?!

Lorlen: Alright, everybody without a wand, raise something else.

Dannyl: *puzzles over what to raise* … Oh, you mean our _hands_! For a moment I was worried that the rating of this story was about to go up again.

Akkarin: *crooked smile* And they think _I'm_ dirty minded.

Sonea: You'll be my personal slave, Akkarin. I've already bought a dog collar with your name on it. And my first law as High Lady of Hogwarts is to decree that all Anuren Dark be poured down the sewer. It might put a stop to your crooked smiling.

Akkarin: *scowls crookedly*

**THE END**

**Coming Soon to a Fanfiction Site near you:**

**Harry Potter and the High Lord (Part 1)**

* * *

><p>A heartfelt thank you to everybody who's readreviewed/favourited this story - I can't believe its over a year and a half since I started posting it! I know I've said it before, but I seriously wouldn't have finished it through to the end if it hadn't been for the support and encouragement from all you wonderful readers :D Given that the BMT fandom has gotten so quiet here lately, I'm particularly honoured that people have kept reading my insane fanfic ramblings :)

Apart from this spoof, I haven't written anything new for over a year now, but I still have a handful of unposted BMT fics which I might post while I figure out how to move on with my fanfiction life. (Before anyone asks, I have no serious plans whatsoever to write Harry Potter and the High Lord Parts 1 and 2, although I would love to read it if somebody else wants to XD).

Anyway best wishes to all my readers, and thanks again for your generous time and feedback!

**xoxo**


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